thankful

• my husband, my best friend, stepping up in so many ways lately
• the baby i will meet in just about 100 days
• my health, and that this pregnancy has been remarkably uncomplicated
• my sister and knowing that she is eager to support and love me
• health insurance
• my cats, who make my home homey
• this time of year – when handknits are necessary
• chocolate, especially hot cocoa and snickers
• my online friends who create community every time i open my laptop
• our relative wealth: food in the fridge, a car that works, warm blankets on our bed
• mike rowe, who we’ve been watching a lot on netflix the past few days
• maternity shirts that are soft and cover my growing belly
• fuzzy socks that make my floors feel a little less chilly
• yarn and needles and the best craft ever
• quiet days at home

incredulous

the day that i got two lines on a home pregnancy test i was incredulous.  i absolutely couldn’t believe it was for real.  paul and i  had only been earnestly “trying” for a few months and it just blew me away that it worked.  that his body and my body could come together and we made two lines on a pregnancy test.

i kept myself in check for the first trimester, knowing that things can go terribly wrong at any time for no good reason and i didn’t want to be too vulnerable to potential hurt.  i wasn’t sure if i could bounce back if i lost the pregnancy.   i told myself to hold off making any plans, or hoping any real hopes, until at least week 12.  there was no reason to think that i was prone to miscarriage but i think i was convinced that i wasn’t worthy to have this wish granted.  all thoughts of the future were prefaced by “if all goes well…”

i’m just about at 26 weeks now and it’s feeling real now.  i’m starting to believe that i am going to have this giant happiness and love in my life.  i still don’t know how i got so lucky.  i feel so incredibly calm about all of it, except my absolute GLEE at becoming a mama.  i’m very good at being anxious, it’s very easy for me to slip into worry-wart mode.  but i’m not worried about getting the house ready.  i’m not worried about finances.  i’m not worried about labor.  i’m not worried about lack of sleep or breastfeeding or even about the major child-rearing decisions we’re going to face as we try to encourage our girl to be better than we are.  i believe with my whole heart that this is what i’m supposed to do and everything will fall into place one way or another.

i assumed that after a while it would “sink in.”  that i would become used to the idea that i was growing a person.  for as long as i can remember i’ve wanted to be a mama.  i think i will be really good at helping raise decent people for this world.  people who are kind and considerate and empathetic and smart and curious and creative and unabashedly good.  but it never occurred to me that someday my biggest dream would come true.  that i would get exactly what i wanted.  but i have.

i kind of hope that it never sinks in.  that when i’m bogged down by laundry and sore nipples and poop and the house in disarray that i still can have glimpses of the joy i’ve been feeling every morning when i wake up and my hands find my growing belly and i remember that sometimes people do get just what they always wanted.  and i will be great at this.

(this post is only made possible by my sheer will to force the voice of my mother out of my head.)

pregnancy dreams

i’ve always been a vivid dreamer.  and i’ve had many SUPER bizarro dreams that were vivid.  like a dream i had in college that my dad was a surgeon performing a c-section on a frog (my dad is a carpenter and this frog was way too big to be realistic).  or one i had a few years ago that my husband’s father came back for a visit and arrived to streets full of people cheering and waiting to see him (he passed away in Sept. 2001) – that one had me up and weeping in the middle of the night.

now my dreams are vivid, bizarre, and about my baby.  one, from last week, was about me being an involuntary time traveler.  i gave birth to my baby girl in a field somewhere and then my body was swept away from her before we could have any time together at all.  i was gone for, what felt to me like, four years and i was so adamant in this other time that i had a baby girl who needed me that i was put in a mental institution where all i could was moan and cry for my child.  as unexpectedly as i was whisked away i was sent back and my baby was still the same as when i left her but i had experienced these four years of terrible mental torture on top of the joy upon our reunion.

last night i dreamt that i gave birth to TWO baby girls.  and then i had to go back to living my normal life the next day.  i had to go to work (apparently i worked in an office) and the whole time i was there i was begging Paul to take me home because the babies were probably very hungry and they needed me!  then i had to run errands, ended up at a supermarket, and there were a lot of high school people in this scene.  none of them believed me that i had to get home because i had two brand-new babies that needed their momma.  anguish.  seriously.

i have a feeling this is going to be a theme for a while.  maybe forever?  now that i have this new giant love growing inside of me the worst thing would be being withheld from her or kept from my responsibility of caring for her.  i hope my weird dreams tonight are happy ones.

been a long time…

it’s been a long time since i posted a real blog entry.  i’ve been quite distracted and i have a good excuse.

two weeks after my last post (june 15) i found out that i was PREGNANT.  my husband and i are very excited and i’m just about 25 weeks along now.  my brain is so very full right now that i have found myself thinking i might blog as an outlet for the past couple weeks.  it’s entirely possible that this could become a mommy-blog because, to be honest, i’m entirely obsessed with myself and my growing tummy right now.  i’m elated and anxious and planning and napping and incredulous that any of this is really happening.  so i think i might come visit my blog every now & then when i’m not sure what else to do with myself.  chances are this will be baby-central for a while.

Favorite Scarf Ever Pattern

FAVORITE SCARF EVER

 

My first official pattern has been typed up and published on Ravelry!  Whee!

(It’s really just my own adaptation of a stitch pattern – so it’s free free free!)

busy & distracted…

I have been so busy and distracted lately.  I think that every time I sit down to do something on the computer I remember something else that needs to be done with a sewing machine or iron.  I’m working very hard to build up the inventory in my shop…but I keep making sales so it’s hard to build up my numbers.  Hee.  I’m SO not complaining.  I’ve been trying to really work my shop lately and I’m really seeing it pay off in the statistics.  My pageviews are way up, and I’ve gotten a ton of “favorites” lately.  This is so great.  I’m trying not to obsess about my Etsy stats, but with tools like this it’s really hard not to check there every time I check my email.

Here are just a couple shots into what my life is all about lately…

box bags & large zipper pouches

both my collection of completed bags for the shop and my fabric stash have gotten bigger so one had to move.  i thought i would move the bags into a plastic sewing box that has been empty for a while.  genius, right?  use what i have!  unfortunately i have more finished bags than i thought.  the box was full with just the box bags and the large zipper pouches.  that photo up there doesn’t show the drawstring bags and the small zipper pouches that wouldn’t fit.  😦  i think i’m going to buy a few small plastic containers with lids (rubbermaid-ish) – one for each style of bag.  then i’ll just have to find space for those somewhere in our small apartment.

zippers!

my zippers have also outgrown their home, which was a lovely blue pitcher.  i don’t live very close to a fabric store so i like to stock up on notions & supplies whenever i get to one…i spent $100 on zippers the other day.  whoa.  i hope they last me a while!

coming up this week: i have started a new knitting project.  (and no, that doesn’t mean i’ve completed any of the projects i already had going!)  😀

ROBOTS!

add it to the long list of things that make me crazy happy – i love robots.

look at this fabric from alexander henry that i got for the shop!

ready set robot! by alexander henry

GAH!  i can’t handle the cute!  i’m so eager to start sewing with this.  good happy clever fabric just makes me itch to sit at my Singer.

fabric preview

it makes me seriously giddy when i order new fabrics to use for the shop.  i always hope that etsy shoppers will love these fabrics like i do.

here’s a quick sneak peek at a couple of the fabrics i should receive in the mail this week and should be popping up in the shop soon thereafter…

Mod Kitchen, Kitchen Wares by Helen Dardik

Mod Kitchen, Utensils by Helen Dardik

These are just a couple of the SUPERcute fabrics from the Mod Kitchen line by Helen Dardik.  I’ll be able to make a few pieces for the shop from these two and if they sell quickly I’ll order some of the others straight away.  I love her illustration style and I’m so stoked to be able to play with these fabrics.

(if you’re as fond of this fabric as i am and want to stake your claim in a bag right now, just shoot me a comment or send me a conversation on Etsy!)

http://www.etsy.com/convo_new.php?to_username=sunshinewalks

Museum of Science

This past Saturday we went to visit the Museum of Science with our friends Annie & Eric.  It was my first visit and I was so excited!  (Hubby has really turned me into a science geek.)  I really think I could spend all day wandering around the museum.  There was definitely too much to really absorb in just a few hours.   Here are just a few highlights (sorry for the poor quality of these photos, the lighting was difficult):

knitted brain!

a peek at the inside of a chicken!

ball of purple electricity

I hope we get to visit the museum again and really take our time learning about the exhibits.

Time to plan my next big city adventure!

Brookford Farm

On Thursday after work Paul and I took an unusually spontaneous trip north to Rollinsford, NH to check out Brookford Farm.  We heard that they sold raw milk and Paul’s been looking for a good source ever since he started dabbling in cheesemaking.  Me – I just like farms and animals and pretty places.  Following the directions that Google gave us it was an easy, straightforward drive and Rollinsford is just five minutes outside Dover, NH pretty much right over the border from Maine.

I met Olga.

I think she’s gorgeous. And a very nice farm guy said he’s pretty sure she’s the smartest cow on the whole farm.

I also bonded a little with this guy…I named him Baby.

And these guys seemed a little pissed that I was around…or they didn’t like my green Crocs…

Visiting farms makes me a very happy girl.  We raised chickens & pigs when I was growing up…there’s just something about a barnyard that feels centering.  Brookford has raw milk, raw cream, yogurt, cheese, sausage, grass-fed beef & pork & lamb, eggs, and veggies for sale in their farm store.  We picked up milk, cream, and hubby got some liver.  (Blech.)

I can’t believe how different raw milk tastes.  I already thought milk was delicious but it turns out that the pasteurization process changes a lot.  For lack of a better description, this milk tastes…cow-ish. I really like it.  I also really like that it comes in a Mason jar and that we have to shake it up to incorporate the cream before we drink some.  I also love supporting an organic farm that raises it’s animals with dignity.

I have a feeling we’ll be going back to Brookford Farm.  And I can’t wait to taste the cheese Paul makes with the milk.