the day that i got two lines on a home pregnancy test i was incredulous. i absolutely couldn’t believe it was for real. paul and i had only been earnestly “trying” for a few months and it just blew me away that it worked. that his body and my body could come together and we made two lines on a pregnancy test.
i kept myself in check for the first trimester, knowing that things can go terribly wrong at any time for no good reason and i didn’t want to be too vulnerable to potential hurt. i wasn’t sure if i could bounce back if i lost the pregnancy. i told myself to hold off making any plans, or hoping any real hopes, until at least week 12. there was no reason to think that i was prone to miscarriage but i think i was convinced that i wasn’t worthy to have this wish granted. all thoughts of the future were prefaced by “if all goes well…”
i’m just about at 26 weeks now and it’s feeling real now. i’m starting to believe that i am going to have this giant happiness and love in my life. i still don’t know how i got so lucky. i feel so incredibly calm about all of it, except my absolute GLEE at becoming a mama. i’m very good at being anxious, it’s very easy for me to slip into worry-wart mode. but i’m not worried about getting the house ready. i’m not worried about finances. i’m not worried about labor. i’m not worried about lack of sleep or breastfeeding or even about the major child-rearing decisions we’re going to face as we try to encourage our girl to be better than we are. i believe with my whole heart that this is what i’m supposed to do and everything will fall into place one way or another.
i assumed that after a while it would “sink in.” that i would become used to the idea that i was growing a person. for as long as i can remember i’ve wanted to be a mama. i think i will be really good at helping raise decent people for this world. people who are kind and considerate and empathetic and smart and curious and creative and unabashedly good. but it never occurred to me that someday my biggest dream would come true. that i would get exactly what i wanted. but i have.
i kind of hope that it never sinks in. that when i’m bogged down by laundry and sore nipples and poop and the house in disarray that i still can have glimpses of the joy i’ve been feeling every morning when i wake up and my hands find my growing belly and i remember that sometimes people do get just what they always wanted. and i will be great at this.
(this post is only made possible by my sheer will to force the voice of my mother out of my head.)