- my husband, my best friend, stepping up in so many ways lately
- the baby i will meet in just about 100 days
- my health, and that this pregnancy has been remarkably uncomplicated
- my sister and knowing that she is eager to support and love me
- health insurance
- my cats, who make my home homey
- this time of year – when handknits are necessary
- chocolate, especially hot cocoa and snickers
- my online friends who create community every time i open my laptop
- our relative wealth: food in the fridge, a car that works, warm blankets on our bed
- mike rowe, who we’ve been watching a lot on netflix the past few days
- maternity shirts that are soft and cover my growing belly
- fuzzy socks that make my floors feel a little less chilly
- yarn and needles and the best craft ever
- quiet days at home
Archive for November, 2010
the day that i got two lines on a home pregnancy test i was incredulous. i absolutely couldn’t believe it was for real. paul and i had only been earnestly “trying” for a few months and it just blew me away that it worked. that his body and my body could come together and we made two lines on a pregnancy test.
i kept myself in check for the first trimester, knowing that things can go terribly wrong at any time for no good reason and i didn’t want to be too vulnerable to potential hurt. i wasn’t sure if i could bounce back if i lost the pregnancy. i told myself to hold off making any plans, or hoping any real hopes, until at least week 12. there was no reason to think that i was prone to miscarriage but i think i was convinced that i wasn’t worthy to have this wish granted. all thoughts of the future were prefaced by “if all goes well…”
i’m just about at 26 weeks now and it’s feeling real now. i’m starting to believe that i am going to have this giant happiness and love in my life. i still don’t know how i got so lucky. i feel so incredibly calm about all of it, except my absolute GLEE at becoming a mama. i’m very good at being anxious, it’s very easy for me to slip into worry-wart mode. but i’m not worried about getting the house ready. i’m not worried about finances. i’m not worried about labor. i’m not worried about lack of sleep or breastfeeding or even about the major child-rearing decisions we’re going to face as we try to encourage our girl to be better than we are. i believe with my whole heart that this is what i’m supposed to do and everything will fall into place one way or another.
i assumed that after a while it would “sink in.” that i would become used to the idea that i was growing a person. for as long as i can remember i’ve wanted to be a mama. i think i will be really good at helping raise decent people for this world. people who are kind and considerate and empathetic and smart and curious and creative and unabashedly good. but it never occurred to me that someday my biggest dream would come true. that i would get exactly what i wanted. but i have.
i kind of hope that it never sinks in. that when i’m bogged down by laundry and sore nipples and poop and the house in disarray that i still can have glimpses of the joy i’ve been feeling every morning when i wake up and my hands find my growing belly and i remember that sometimes people do get just what they always wanted. and i will be great at this.
(this post is only made possible by my sheer will to force the voice of my mother out of my head.)
i’ve always been a vivid dreamer. and i’ve had many SUPER bizarro dreams that were vivid. like a dream i had in college that my dad was a surgeon performing a c-section on a frog (my dad is a carpenter and this frog was way too big to be realistic). or one i had a few years ago that my husband’s father came back for a visit and arrived to streets full of people cheering and waiting to see him (he passed away in Sept. 2001) – that one had me up and weeping in the middle of the night.
now my dreams are vivid, bizarre, and about my baby. one, from last week, was about me being an involuntary time traveler. i gave birth to my baby girl in a field somewhere and then my body was swept away from her before we could have any time together at all. i was gone for, what felt to me like, four years and i was so adamant in this other time that i had a baby girl who needed me that i was put in a mental institution where all i could was moan and cry for my child. as unexpectedly as i was whisked away i was sent back and my baby was still the same as when i left her but i had experienced these four years of terrible mental torture on top of the joy upon our reunion.
last night i dreamt that i gave birth to TWO baby girls. and then i had to go back to living my normal life the next day. i had to go to work (apparently i worked in an office) and the whole time i was there i was begging Paul to take me home because the babies were probably very hungry and they needed me! then i had to run errands, ended up at a supermarket, and there were a lot of high school people in this scene. none of them believed me that i had to get home because i had two brand-new babies that needed their momma. anguish. seriously.
i have a feeling this is going to be a theme for a while. maybe forever? now that i have this new giant love growing inside of me the worst thing would be being withheld from her or kept from my responsibility of caring for her. i hope my weird dreams tonight are happy ones.
it’s been a long time since i posted a real blog entry. i’ve been quite distracted and i have a good excuse.
two weeks after my last post (june 15) i found out that i was PREGNANT. my husband and i are very excited and i’m just about 25 weeks along now. my brain is so very full right now that i have found myself thinking i might blog as an outlet for the past couple weeks. it’s entirely possible that this could become a mommy-blog because, to be honest, i’m entirely obsessed with myself and my growing tummy right now. i’m elated and anxious and planning and napping and incredulous that any of this is really happening. so i think i might come visit my blog every now & then when i’m not sure what else to do with myself. chances are this will be baby-central for a while.